


Charles Xavier's Meatshield For The Gifted

by ImhereImQuire



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, My First Work in This Fandom, POV First Person, Sexualised explosions, Wade Being Wade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5034088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImhereImQuire/pseuds/ImhereImQuire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade has accepted a contract to kill the X-men but he's feeling conflicted. And kind of lonely. And horny. But mostly? Conflicted. </p><p>This was written for a Nine Worlds 2015 fic workshop (I forget which one), but I've only just gotten round to polishing and typing it up. I'd never written Deadpool fic before (or any comic book derived fic, for that matter) but I was dressed as Deadpool, so it seemed like the thing to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Charles Xavier's Meatshield For The Gifted

I look at the clock. Five minutes 'til kaboom.

I wish I was more excited. I mean I'm usually all about the big booms - boner city for me. But this one doesn't exactly sit right with me. I'm not known for my strong moral compass, but this one feels wrong even to me.

This is what I get for working for bad men. Not even a little bad, we're talking genocidal bad. Yep, bad, bad men... but they're bad men with money, and I have plans to buy an Island. No, I can't tell you why! That's top secret.

For heroes the X-men are actually pretty evil. Now I hear what you're saying. Surely not Wade, you have to have that wrong... but stay with me here, this is yellow box wisdom, so you can take this as red. Uh, yellow. Anyway you can trust it. Mostly. Kinda. Maybe. But there is definitely something in it.

Take Charlie Xavier, right? If you take away some letters, mix 'em up and add some more then what do you get? Child soldiers. Okay, so maybe that's stretching it a little, but not much. If little old Wade hides behind a bus load of junior high kids? That gets called 'a hostage situation'. But when he throws in a math class or two while he's doing it that gets called a 'school for the gifted'. I mean what kinda bullshit is that?

And its not just him, nope. Its all of them; blue librarian teddy bear, grumpy Canadian, sexy card hustler, and even Speccy McLaserface... they all do that. They make the choice to go out there and be the best -better make that second best, Captain Sideburns!- they are at not being very nice, then, when they've gotten a bunch of nasty people really pissed off, what do they do? They go and hide in a school. Doesn't that seem off to anyone?

Anybody?

Anyone at all?

Is it really just me looking funny at that?

So when you look at all that it makes what I'm doing pretty understandable, right? When someone offers you one hundred million dollars -  _American_ not even freaking Canadian- to take out a bunch of cape wearing killjoys who don't even like you, who don't even pretend to be your friends even when you show up at their place at 2am with enough beer for the whole school....

Well all I'm saying is they're gonna wish they'd invited me over for thanksgiving now, right?

TICK.

TICK.

TICK.

Bombs don't actually tick, and this is a remote detonator anyway but I've brought an alarm clock just for funsies.

TICK.

TICK.

TICK. Wait for it. Wait for it. Waaait. For. Iiiiiiiit.......

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

_The Legacy Offices erupts into a perfect cloud of smoke and shattered glass and a metric fuckton of sweet, sexy, death and well hello there ain't you pretty! Yeah, baby, so much shiny, tasty mutant-hater death. Tastes good, baby, tastes so good and I'm breathing in , the scent of it like Bowie on a seventies coke binge. Oh yeah, honey, give me that. Death'll be clinging to me for days, and I'll be clinging back, because we're made for one another, and don't we both know it..._

Now there's a code; a professional code with standards of integrity and discretion and generally speaking? Taking the money and blowing the contractor up? Thaaaat's frowned upon, and my professional reputation is really gonna suffer for this one, so I'm gonna have to keep a low profile.

So that's what I'm gonna do - I'm just gonna quietly buy myself an island, work out some way to wrap it up, and head over to that school-slash-hostage-situation. I'm sure that when I've explained to them why they're being assholes, hiding under a school, how close they all came to being blown to smithereens then tell them about Wade Island then they're going to be begging to move in!


End file.
